We all wear masks - and this has nothing to do with Covid-19.

We all wear masks. I'm not referring to our Covid face masks. Rather, the masks we use to emotionally protect ourselves.

Sometimes, when we feel interpersonally uncomfortable we may falsely present ourselves.
This defensive style often begins early in our lives. After years of repetition we hardly know we're being "fake." Many of us experience conflict when we don't feel authentic. Our goal as therapists is to help you grow closer to your "true self."

Protecting ourselves is a natural part of human interaction. Defensiveness, however, can become burdensome and sometimes exhausting. Anger, sadness and isolation occur when our relationships feel false. Eventually, we may even believe that no one loves or cares about the "real" you. After all you haven't shared intimacy in a long time.

Ultimately, hiding who you are and how you feel from others leads to superficial relationships, conflict avoidance, and isolation. All of which prevent us from feeling close and fulfilled in our personal
interactions.

How can therapy help?

By becoming more self-aware through self-reflection. This process can seem daunting but with an empathic
ear and direction, you will make great advancements. Therapy teaches you how to better identify your feelings while normalizing your experiences.

Counseling will help you address your conflict directly within a safe and nurturing environment. The therapeutic relationship fosters self-acceptance especially of your flaws. All of these techniques lead
to a greater sense of contentment and more fulfilling relationships.

What the heck is a sexologist?

Well, I’m not exactly sure.  I discovered this word while using google analytics.  People looking for sex therapy search for a “sexologist.”  According to Wikipedia, “Sexology is the study of human sexuality, including human sexual interests, behaviors and functions.   Topics of study include sexual development, sexual orientation, gender identity, sexual relationships, sexual activities, paraphilias, and atypical sexual interests.”  Many of these topics comprise what I treat in my practice. However, people searching under this term may be looking for how they might enjoy better sexual lives rather than the most recent research on human sexuality.

I do believe that in couples counseling talking about your marital sexual interactions should be addressed.  Very often, clients who have previously worked on their marriages have neglected to work on their sexual relationship.   If your marital communication is poor it follows that your sexual life may also suffer.

In general, we view our sexual relationship as separate from other aspects of our marriage.  However, they are intrinsically tied to each other. If, for example, we are always fighting with each other this most likely has a profound impact on the frequency of your sexual expression.  Some couples have great makeup sex while others simply stop having sex when there is too much conflict. Maintaining a healthy sexual life enhances the strength of any marriage.

What does a healthy sexual life look like?  Each partner defines what they believe a healthy sex life would include.  For example, feeling gratified, expressing your needs and desires, talking about what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy.  These topics define what couples say they require to feel sexually complete. Also, being honest with your partner if there’s something that they do sexually that bothers you tell them, instead,  share with them how they can sexually please you.

If you are looking for a “Sexologist” or more importantly someone who can help you with your sexual relationship don’t hesitate to call Dr. Barbara Goschi.  She’s here to help. You can reach her by phone at (312) 595-1787 or email her at barbara@drgoschi.com.

Do you have a sex addiction?

The debate between professionals today relates to how we identify process addictions.  Many professionals view sexual acting out as part of a broader symptomatology of mental illness or compulsive behaviors.   As we learn more about the processes involved with sexual acting it better fits within the addictions model.

Anxiety, depression, and compulsive thoughts apply to sexual acting out.  The sequence with which the individual experiences these emotions seems relevant to making the distinction between an addiction and a compulsion.  Process addictions such as gambling addictions, sex addictions, and binge eating disorders share a lot of common features.

One clear distinction relates to the onset of the anxiety.   Some individuals feel compelled to engage in an action to diminish their anxiety and nothing else will suffice until they have completed the act.  For these individual’s relief follows the action. Even though they realize the disruptive quality of the action on their lives. For example, if you feel the need to drive back home to make sure you locked the door, even though you did, you will not feel relief until you check.  Perhaps you feel like your preoccupation dictates your life.

Sexual addiction has similar qualities.  The preoccupation controls one’s thoughts and sometimes actions.  Just thinking and planning to engage in the action often lifts the person out of their anxiety or depression.  The mere thought of the act results in elation. However, once the addict engages in the act shame, guilt, anxiety, and depression soon set in.  The addict does not experience relief. Rather, and intense downward spiral occurs.

Once the individual completes the action, they feel worse.  The shame, guilt, and anxiety lead the addict to feel out of control and vulnerable.  Therapy is most likely sought during this part of the addiction process. The addict experiences great highs followed by very low lows.  Compulsive behaviors don’t always fit as nicely into this scenario.

The therapist misses the bigger picture by treating all process addictions as compulsive behaviors.  The addict’s treatment approach must involve family members, especially wives or significant others. Therapists describe addiction as a family disease because it has such a profound effect on individuals within the family.  When working with individuals who have children it isn’t wise to include young children in the treatment. Rather, the kids can learn new ways of interacting with their depressed or anxious parent. The children should understand they did not cause the problems.

I’m not criticizing clinicians who treat sexual addiction as a compulsion.  I simply think the two exhibit adequate differences that warrant a different look at treatment goals. In conjunction with individual treatment, marital therapy and meetings are recommended.

If you or someone you love is struggling with a sexual addiction, please don’t hesitate to call or email Dr. Goschi at (312)595-1787 or barbara@drgoschi.com.  I look forward to hearing from you in order to begin the healing process.